Storms.

Thunder shook me from my sleep.
And I reached out for you
only to wrap my hand around
emptiness and disappointment.
I squeezed my pillow
and thought of you and our storms.
And now this trip down memory lane
got me uneasily walking through our late nights.
This rain outside would be perfect for some lovemaking;
moans escaping in between the raindrops.
I squirm at the thought of times when we've been one;
finding your way into the heavens between my thighs.
I've made the storm jealous;
becoming drenched with all this reminiscing.
It'd be better if you were here to feel this storm with me;
the storm in me.
The heavens throb for your touch;
and I squeeze tighter tryna keep the flood waters in.
Outside my window;
thunder beckons again
and I can almost feel you pounding in me
as if you're tryna outdo Mother Nature.
Lightning flashes
and I look up into the night sky to see your face.
I bite my lip with frustration.
I want your lips against mines;
drowning amongst the clouds.
You dive into me.
Then quiet my pleas
with long overdue kisses
and I taste my angels that have found home near my knees.
The heavens can't keep the moisture from flowing out the gates.
Oh; it's amazing how
your body quakes into mines;
sending shakes up my spine.
I dig my nails into your skin;
clawing at your flesh;
tearing apart your sins.
Downpour outside picks up speed;
and you change pace to keep up;
personal storms trickling down my thighs.
Deep breaths.
Sweet moans.
Long sighs.
I toss and turn under the weight of your memory
and cuddle with the Iloveyou's of our past.
Storm still frantic in my heavens;
hell erupts outside my window
and the room smells of satisfaction
and reeks of your absence.

Whoooo. I turned myself on when I wrote this lmao. I mean I was already a little turned on anyways...lls tis how I thought of it.

A Very Long Story Short.

It's hard havin my heart spread out over such a large, vast space. It's like, okay...heart broken. No secret there. But it still finds a way to beat and do all the things it did before. I mean, shit, it's a lil stronger than it was. Loves a lil more than before. Even through fear. I'll keep my distance when I'm feelin down, bite my lip when I wanna tell you how I feel, and hug. I'll hug anyone cause the great thing about givin a hug is you're simultaneously gettin one in return.

Well anyways; back to all the lil broken pieces of my heart being spread everywhere. I'm texting what I guess you can label my best friend; I've gotten so used to her presence and her just being there for me over these past few months. And now; Maryland seems so empty without her.

So, a piece of my heart is in New York. And London. North Carolina. And several parts of Maryland.

I'm a lover. It's so beyond annoying cause I'll be walkin around expectin people to love me how I love them. Like; who does that ?? So here's a snippet from a convo I had last night when I was just hittin tipsy:

My expectations are now very low. Standards still high; but expectations low. I don't wanna expect anything and then be disappointed when I don't get it. Not again. I don't wanna go there again. 

So; yea...there's a wall up; emotionally but it doesn't mean that everyone doesn't have equal chance to prove to me that my expectations should be as high as my standards. But the truth is: I'm just scared. Scared for myself. And of course scared for anyone who thinks anything of me. I don't wanna unconsciously be responsible for pieces of hearts everywhere.

Oh; These Lives We Lead.

I know way too many people here right now
That I didn’t know last year, who the fuck are y’all?
I swear it feels like the last few nights
We been everywhere and back
But I just can’t remember it all.


It's been one helluva year. And that's the fuckin understatement of the century. I'm gonna pack up the last of my room today with a Dear Summer-Lights Please-Find Your Love playlist and all the songs that have become equated to my life in the past few months. I wonder if I need to watch what I say...fuck it.
So...here's what's left up my sleeve:

• Proof that laughter DOES heal you.

Even if it's temporarily and only for the moment. And you gotta learn to laugh at yourself and all your shortcomings, downfalls and heartbreaks. Cause if you don't; the build up of all the stress and drama and bad days will pile up and crush what's left of you and you'll wake up one morning to a strange version of what used to be yourself wondering how you fell so far from grace.

• It'll change you if you let it.

IT being a lifestyle, a friendship, a love interest...anything and everything can and will change you; whether its for the better or for the worst. I've seen so many people change; including myself. It hurt my soul when some people changed for the worst...and it gave me hope when I watched them grow...

• Alcohol is the problem and solution of all of life's problems.
• People spend too much time building walls instead of bridges...

Or they spend their time building bridges to get them to the wrong people and walls to keep out whose so right...but who am I to say who's right or wrong for anyone else. I don't even know who belongs with me...wants and needs are so different and if you focus on one more than they other; trust the other becomes so trivial. But I've build my walls through all the tears and pain that I've been caused and have caused...I'm nobody's victim but I'd like someone to know how I feel. I mean honestly; who wouldn't ?

• I've watched people's fears unfold right before their eyes...

Realizin that the person you love is...to say the least...crazy; moreso because they're chasing after ugh blah blah blah...how do you deal when you think their amazing ? Like they could shit sunshine and piss excellence...idk how you're supposed to handle it but you let go...and hope that all the things you love the most in life find their way back to you or at least just find their way. There's nothing like watching a lost soul.


And I know a lot about lost souls. In this last week; my roommate tried to kill herself lost all hope and attempted to put permanent ends to her pains. I've seen way too many tears from people I love...including myself. And now I've got these "Roman Numerals" that are like tally marks of my pain and the times when I've lost hope. And now I have to wonder where I'm goin next...I know where I wanna be but if this life has taught me anything: you don't always get what you want...rarely.


Confessions ?
I've got a ton...but it's best that I keep such amazing and heartbreaking realizations to myself. Cuz no one, especially myself; is really ready for the thoughts that surface when I look at you people...yeah; you people.


I don’t know how our lives got so crazy or where we’re headed next or how the hell we’ll survive; but I hope we all find the love we need, the peace we want & the happiness we deserve.


I love you, love.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night."

Talks With Him.

He's a blessing and a curse. Like he's the best and the worst. Given me sweet hurts...blah blah blah. And then he laughs; and I know he's alright; livin life. I ask him if he's happy and he gives me this silly little rant about how happiness varies and we cant...we just cant expect everyday to be smiles. I ask him "Why not ? Why are we settling for content with constant arguments ?" We both know life is better than this. He tells me "Life is about winning." See he thinks it's all a game and everybody's got their pieces lined up whether they know it or not. But he knows...he thinks he knows everything. And he feels he's got the upper hand like it was filled with mostly spades. I know he's tired of charades and lies and parades of "love". But baby; if this is your idea of love; I don't wanna be around for your hate that could probably break the gates of hell itself. See I've been up against him before. Gotten papercuts from playing cards and wet sheets from tears and late night freaks. But now I watch run through this maze; hurt and changed -- hopin to find her waitin for you at the end. I got my fingers crossed for you that she will learn to bend...for you; maybe even give into you; maybe even mean it when she says she's in love with you. But you smile and tell me to trust you...always tellin me to trust you. I'm amazed that I can even still believe anything you say after all WE'VE been through but its like now; I finally understand you...

Blah Blah Blah...

Dear You;


Thanks for making it this far on accident. You're amazing. But don't tell anyone I said that. Good things are coming for you. Remember to pay attention so you don't miss them. You're the one person I've met that has taught me so many good and bad things about living. You bring out the heaven and the hell in me. And I've had one hell of a ride with you; but I wouldn't change it for anything. I hate you ALOTTT; lol but you're smarter than people give you credit for. You'll find you're way; you're figure out what the fuck you're supposed to do in life. Now...go win or something.


From Me.