A Very Long Story Short.

It's hard havin my heart spread out over such a large, vast space. It's like, okay...heart broken. No secret there. But it still finds a way to beat and do all the things it did before. I mean, shit, it's a lil stronger than it was. Loves a lil more than before. Even through fear. I'll keep my distance when I'm feelin down, bite my lip when I wanna tell you how I feel, and hug. I'll hug anyone cause the great thing about givin a hug is you're simultaneously gettin one in return.

Well anyways; back to all the lil broken pieces of my heart being spread everywhere. I'm texting what I guess you can label my best friend; I've gotten so used to her presence and her just being there for me over these past few months. And now; Maryland seems so empty without her.

So, a piece of my heart is in New York. And London. North Carolina. And several parts of Maryland.

I'm a lover. It's so beyond annoying cause I'll be walkin around expectin people to love me how I love them. Like; who does that ?? So here's a snippet from a convo I had last night when I was just hittin tipsy:

My expectations are now very low. Standards still high; but expectations low. I don't wanna expect anything and then be disappointed when I don't get it. Not again. I don't wanna go there again. 

So; yea...there's a wall up; emotionally but it doesn't mean that everyone doesn't have equal chance to prove to me that my expectations should be as high as my standards. But the truth is: I'm just scared. Scared for myself. And of course scared for anyone who thinks anything of me. I don't wanna unconsciously be responsible for pieces of hearts everywhere.

Talks With Him.

He's a blessing and a curse. Like he's the best and the worst. Given me sweet hurts...blah blah blah. And then he laughs; and I know he's alright; livin life. I ask him if he's happy and he gives me this silly little rant about how happiness varies and we cant...we just cant expect everyday to be smiles. I ask him "Why not ? Why are we settling for content with constant arguments ?" We both know life is better than this. He tells me "Life is about winning." See he thinks it's all a game and everybody's got their pieces lined up whether they know it or not. But he knows...he thinks he knows everything. And he feels he's got the upper hand like it was filled with mostly spades. I know he's tired of charades and lies and parades of "love". But baby; if this is your idea of love; I don't wanna be around for your hate that could probably break the gates of hell itself. See I've been up against him before. Gotten papercuts from playing cards and wet sheets from tears and late night freaks. But now I watch run through this maze; hurt and changed -- hopin to find her waitin for you at the end. I got my fingers crossed for you that she will learn to bend...for you; maybe even give into you; maybe even mean it when she says she's in love with you. But you smile and tell me to trust you...always tellin me to trust you. I'm amazed that I can even still believe anything you say after all WE'VE been through but its like now; I finally understand you...

Blah Blah Blah...

Dear You;


Thanks for making it this far on accident. You're amazing. But don't tell anyone I said that. Good things are coming for you. Remember to pay attention so you don't miss them. You're the one person I've met that has taught me so many good and bad things about living. You bring out the heaven and the hell in me. And I've had one hell of a ride with you; but I wouldn't change it for anything. I hate you ALOTTT; lol but you're smarter than people give you credit for. You'll find you're way; you're figure out what the fuck you're supposed to do in life. Now...go win or something.


From Me.