Love and Other Drugs

and i leave you with this.
i hope these words travel like smoke from my lips
and replace the air in your lungs
so that when i'm not in a
hand-holding,
tongue-wrestling,
skin-caressing distance,
you can hear some of these lines
every time you breathe out.

and maybe you'll need me then
like i need you now.

so excuse me if i seem a little anxious.
its just...
i want so badly to be naked with you.
i want us to leave every stitch of our clothes on
and pull back our souls layer by layer
until we know every story that accompanies every scar.

and when we're done catching up on old mistakes,
i want to let all of my inhibitions go
and learn the description of your veins
as they go racing to your heart.
so thoroughly that i could,
describe them to a blind man
who's never known the feeling
of being lost in someone's eyes,
day dreaming of love making on cloud nine.
high.

and all my dreams and
drug-like acid trips are the color of your complexion.
nothing else.
just your skin,
filling every canvas of my thoughts.

good thing i think you're the most beautiful thing God ever made.

and i don't mind seeing your face etched on the inner surface of my eyelids,
picturing you wearing my thighs like earmuffs
in world gone cold,
you're the one that makes me feel warm,
like i have the sun perched inside my rib cage
keeping it safe for any future rainy days,
so when you need a sunrise,
i can stitch you one
just for you to place your prayers on.

i would do that for you
because well,
i love you.

and i hate that i have to sum up the way
my palms sweat
and my stomach still crowds with butterflies
even after all this time of
melting into your kisses
and needing your hugs while i'm sleeping
into these three little words
that wouldn't even have a definitive meaning
without your existence.
but baby,
these three little words
are all i have.

Brownsuga* Skin

Written at 5am...what's sleep anyways ?

Please don't forget that I'm your rib.

Cause I've been here for so long that

you tend to disregard me

and strike me from

your thoughts and memories.

But every time you breathe,

you feel me,

and with every step that follows,

I lure u in,

like a sin

to be committed and forgiven.

My lips drawn speechless,

harborin secrets

and barring unadorned kisses.

Skin whisperin of the Garden of Eden,

holdin scents of fruits and flower petals.

And this is how you find me,

clothed by nothing but the Sun.

I'm without shame

and you can see my every scar

and mark tickled into my body's frame,

you beg to know my body's name.

The wind screams 'Beauty'

and without question,

you agree.

Laid out in front of you

is me.

A once blank canvas painted with

the colors of beach sunsets and spring rains.

Autumn hikes across my veins,

and my smile embodies full moons.

Cheeks rosy with aroused heat and anticipation

as your fingertips draw near me.

Amazement crawls its way between us,

draggin lust on its backside.

You lick love into my insides,

sweet honey bee nectar hidden deep within my thighs.

You're buzzin 'round,

tracin my every curve with wide eyes of disbelief,

tongue draggin with hopes of mischief.

This is brownsuga* skin...

breasts perked high at attention,

back arched just slight so the view is just right.

Womanhood drippin like a question mark,

soaked with my own curiosities.

Body parts swellin with pleasure,

every nerve on edge,

temptations crawling over my goosebumbs.

This is ecstasy.

Satisfaction buried deep within my pigment.

Strength tangled in my complexion.

There's no soul like the one trapped in brownsuga* skin.

Baby, my name is Black** Woman. 

*To be replaced with an adjective that describes your complexion. Our shades are so full of flavor and sensuality but when I wrote it, I felt like I had wrote it for anybody. All shades are beautiful and are open to acceptance.

**When I originally wrote it, I had just wrote Woman. But I'm Black...lol. Basically the word itself is interchangeable with any other ethnicity or can just be left out and said as Woman. Again, I wrote it for anybody and all women are beautiful in their own way just by the mere fact that we're women. Please don't forget that you are his rib. We're the strength of the world and whatnot, works of art. =)

Oh; These Lives We Lead.

I know way too many people here right now
That I didn’t know last year, who the fuck are y’all?
I swear it feels like the last few nights
We been everywhere and back
But I just can’t remember it all.


It's been one helluva year. And that's the fuckin understatement of the century. I'm gonna pack up the last of my room today with a Dear Summer-Lights Please-Find Your Love playlist and all the songs that have become equated to my life in the past few months. I wonder if I need to watch what I say...fuck it.
So...here's what's left up my sleeve:

• Proof that laughter DOES heal you.

Even if it's temporarily and only for the moment. And you gotta learn to laugh at yourself and all your shortcomings, downfalls and heartbreaks. Cause if you don't; the build up of all the stress and drama and bad days will pile up and crush what's left of you and you'll wake up one morning to a strange version of what used to be yourself wondering how you fell so far from grace.

• It'll change you if you let it.

IT being a lifestyle, a friendship, a love interest...anything and everything can and will change you; whether its for the better or for the worst. I've seen so many people change; including myself. It hurt my soul when some people changed for the worst...and it gave me hope when I watched them grow...

• Alcohol is the problem and solution of all of life's problems.
• People spend too much time building walls instead of bridges...

Or they spend their time building bridges to get them to the wrong people and walls to keep out whose so right...but who am I to say who's right or wrong for anyone else. I don't even know who belongs with me...wants and needs are so different and if you focus on one more than they other; trust the other becomes so trivial. But I've build my walls through all the tears and pain that I've been caused and have caused...I'm nobody's victim but I'd like someone to know how I feel. I mean honestly; who wouldn't ?

• I've watched people's fears unfold right before their eyes...

Realizin that the person you love is...to say the least...crazy; moreso because they're chasing after ugh blah blah blah...how do you deal when you think their amazing ? Like they could shit sunshine and piss excellence...idk how you're supposed to handle it but you let go...and hope that all the things you love the most in life find their way back to you or at least just find their way. There's nothing like watching a lost soul.


And I know a lot about lost souls. In this last week; my roommate tried to kill herself lost all hope and attempted to put permanent ends to her pains. I've seen way too many tears from people I love...including myself. And now I've got these "Roman Numerals" that are like tally marks of my pain and the times when I've lost hope. And now I have to wonder where I'm goin next...I know where I wanna be but if this life has taught me anything: you don't always get what you want...rarely.


Confessions ?
I've got a ton...but it's best that I keep such amazing and heartbreaking realizations to myself. Cuz no one, especially myself; is really ready for the thoughts that surface when I look at you people...yeah; you people.


I don’t know how our lives got so crazy or where we’re headed next or how the hell we’ll survive; but I hope we all find the love we need, the peace we want & the happiness we deserve.


I love you, love.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night."

Thoughts of an Insomniac.

I think he's beautiful...


Looking back at pictures and the things he used to say to me; I'm sure that once upon a time, he loved me as much as I thought he did, if not more...

Blah. Blah. Blah...


I still think about him alot...even know I'm not supposed to be and I shouldn't be. I think about how sweet 'I love you' sounded from his lips and how I felt like my reply "I love you more' was a lie; not because I didn't {because God knows I loved him with everything I had} but because I felt he loved me that much. In a way that was almost unbearable to be away from him for longer than a few hours...I felt invincible with him. Invincible and helpless at the same time...

I think that love...has a way of making someone apart of you; your better half and nonsense like that. And I'd hate to think that someone undeserving or just anyone in general has had that part of me...I've handled somethings really bad between us but I think for the most part; I handled this one thing pretty well...And I don't think anyone knows how bad this one situation has broke me. I'm pretty hurt by it...I didn't realize how hurt until about an hour ago. It's one of those things that will always bother me probably...

I don't think I'll ever forgive her.


I've run out of random thoughts to embarrass myself with...I'm actually pretty tired but sleep is hard to come by now-a-days...always, always thinking...about him, or how I miss the shit outta my best friend, why nothing is going the way I want it to go. I don't really believe in all the beautiful things I once did; like love and best friends; I mean I do...but nothing quite feels the same as it used to...and I'm a cry baby...whatever. I guess there's some strength somewhere in all of this.

I need someone to tell my secrets too...but I don't see me telling anyone everything anymore.

I think that his hugs are magic and could solve every problem.
I think that his forehead kisses would still send chills through my body.
And I can't even imagine how big the smile on my face would be if he hugged me from behind, slid his hand into mines and told me he loved me...

No one needs to read this...but if you have know that I think I'm a complete idiot and I wish I would've just went to sleep...=(

The Truth About Everything

It pays to be honest, but it's slow pay. -Proverb

When I say everything...I almost certainly mean...everything...I don't even know where to begin...

Well, actually, let's start with family. Families are the core and foundation of a person's life. To say the least, my core is weak, and dysfunctional and disturbed...I'm a statistic. I grew up without a father. Some say I'm better off without him anyways but thing is, one title I will never have no matter where I go in my life is: daddy's little girl. But I guess that's some shit I can easily grow out of since I don't know what it feels like anyways. But hey, everybody gets two tries at parents. I have a mom. She's cold. Spiteful. Distant. Judgmental. Bipolar. Alcoholic. And was or is still possibly addicted to drugs... I love my mom but a bigger, angrier, neglected part hates her in every way that I can. (So, now you know about that. Please don't act differently or weird towards my mom; she's not crazy because of drugs, she's crazy because she's crazy. I don't really wanna go much further than that.) I've never told anyone because I feel like for some reason that makes ME less of a person...and I'm ashamed; that's basically what it is, and it gives people something to use against me when they're trying to hurt me; kids are cruel and that's why I NEVER told; ammo to go on me like there is no tomorrow. But I think that's enough about family. Their story gets pretty traumatic and painful for everybody. We're not much of a family, even before I was born. We don't hug, we don't talk, I don't call home, it's a hassle if I want to get picked up from school for one weekend, we don't say I love you, unless someone is watching. (That one's on them; I don't play that fake shit.)

Sooo, on to the next one: school. I'm a sophomore on her fourth major. I've been through Theater, Psychology, English and now I'm on Business Communications. That's a story I'll tell you when I first meet you. I'm intelligent, wise even, but I may also be one of those people who school is not really for them. But I have no choice, no back-up plan. I go to a $30,000 a year, small, racist, athletically challenged university in cold ass Baltimore where there's no muthafuckin mumbo sauce or good half and halfs. Also, no one in the "family" mentioned above planned or saved anything for me to go to school. I'm ass deep in loans, with no books and no car. With that being said, if I don't have any books, how do figure I'm doing in school? Damn sure not anywhere where I could be academically. I don't have the initiative. So, I don't go to class, no point if I don't have any books. It discourages me and constantly makes me feel stupid and like an underachiever. Thing is, I don't dream about a school. I would love to hold some high degree in a field that somewhat interests me...but I dream about things some people would say are out of my reach like being a model, a fashionista, a photographer, a sex symbol lol. But I'm not tall enough, or original enough or sexy enough, or so I've been told.

Which brings us to a short segment I like to call: my self esteem. I've recently come into my own; how nice. I'm pretty secure when it comes to most things because I've developed the idea that you can't compare what's a thousand steps to the left to anybody else. So, I'm running after being a free-spirit and a kind heart; hoping that everything else will fall together. I've found my favorite features about myself: my lips, my nose, my eyes, my boobs; to love no matter how small my ass is. I think I'm what Wale would call a pretty girl because I have my shit together and there are some girls prettier than me and some who don't stand a chance. That may be cocky but I let my own shit shine and if that diminishes you, maybe you need to work on you instead of worrying about me. And I'm pretty with a personality, there ain't a thousand girls like that and there's only one me.

But something had my self esteem shook...a boy of all things. Had me feeling ugly, and confused, and blah, blah, blah...took me way out of my character to say the least...

-sigh- Once upon a time, sexy boy meets equally sexy girl. Girl and boy fall in love despite all odds and circumstances; somethings, especially things like love, can't be helped or avoided. Girl gives boy the world because that's the least she could do for him giving her the same. They're both lovers, best friends, confidants, tutors, maids, comedy, comfort to each other; everything and anything you need, I got you. Then, one day, boy rips everything out from underneath girl without warning. Takes every sweet word he's ever said to her back and replaces them with hurtful ones. Boy doesn't love girl but girl still loves him. Girl still fucks him, probably better than she did before. Girl asked a handful of questions in the beginning...girl doesn't ask any questions anymore...girl hopes boy isn't with this girl or that girl. Did I mention girl loves boy? Defends him. Helps him. Prays for him. Girl bottles her emotions good and bad. Boy SEEMS to be doing better without girl...girl also seems better without boy. But they were better together...more focused, healthier, cleaner rooms, better grades. But girl can't be mad at boy because he's gotta live his life, and its on the list of reasons that girl loves boy: he's like no other person, has his own mind, does his own thing. Boy is a lil mean now...ok, a lot mean. Girl doesn't want boy to lose himself inside pussy dreams and anything else...but when boy is with girl, he's with her. And when he's not, who know where boy is...

*based on a true story that never happened.

Now to end with little truths. I smoked weed for like a week, I HAD to stop because when I was on Mars, I started thinking I would end up like my mom, biggest fear in the world. And it made me a hypocrite for being mad someone else had smoked weed. Truth: I like the stillness in being high, but I was only doing it to balance out my lows. It's not a lifestyle I want at all. And my sex game is ridiculous lmao.

I think that's all I got.

So, that's it. The truth about everything....I think.

♥missflyybarbie