The Miseducation of Me to You.

You keep me grounded cuz at times I'm out of whack. Ur an essential part of my everyday activities and I'm happy we're growing to be best friends. I love how you love me and I give much credit to you for helping me get...cuz you never gave up when I did at times. Ur a great encourager even when I don't wanna believe you. You keep it 100 twenty-four seven and I really appreciate that. I couldn't ask for a better friend that's short, cute and brilliant. Ur light shines bright and it's one that anybody would be lucky to be in. I'm just happy that you allowed me to get a glimpse of the amazingness that's yet to come. --probably one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.

Finally. Someone sees something great in me. I can whine that no one understands me, knowing that's not true. It's right there --proof that someone gets me. And I know that there are a little circle of people that understand me and thinks that I'm lowkey awesome in my own special way.

But...I'm what psychologists and Webster call a pessimist. So no matter how much you pour in my glass, I'ma tell you that it's not enough, it's half empty instead of half full, not because I'm selfish but because I've gotten uncomfortably used to disappointment. And for some odd reason, I got all these wonderful ass people loving me but the fact that someone misunderstands me, fucks my whole world up. And it shouldn't but I got this lil' blood pumper called a heart that feels...it doesn't matter how exactly but i feel. I feel like some people are completely miseducated on me. I've been called a lot of things --sweetheart, baby, love, lil mama (in the cute way not the why do u have a ponytail hole cut in ur new era fitted? kinda way), whore, slut, dumb bitch... --and the confession is: I either smile excessively from a gesture of kindness from anyone, or I let words hurt me, even make me cry. I let words hurt me.That's some real honesty. I know, I know, I need to just man the fuck up. Guess I'm just a cry baby...

I AM A SWEETHEART. That's what it is. I've tried to be cold, I've tried to care about everything but these bitches (and interchangeably niggas), but I do. I'm sensitive and emotional and warm-hearted...I'm genuine with my feelings and the things I say. I'm honest cuz I hate to be lied to myself. An okay listener who can sometimes talk too much but I got a nigga (well not a nigga) tellin me about myself. I'm still living off some shit they taught in kindergarten --treat people how you wanna be treated. I can't be savage, I'm not vengeful, or hateful. The fact is, I'ma always tell you how I feel even if I know it has potential to end bad. I can give out advice ALL DAY LONG but my own shit is a beautiful mess that drives me crazy, pierces me in places I wish you didn't still have control over and hurts. Truth is --I'd die for mines. I keep people I love up on a very high pedestal where they're surrounded with respect, understanding, trust and enough love to suffocate the shit outta anybody. But I know they deserve it, especially the ones who say shit like that.

Long story short --I can love people who seem to be complete strangers to me. You should know me better than to think that I'd show you anything but love and respect. But I guess you don't. I'm a lover. A fighter --I'd die for mines. BEST friend; shoulder to cry on. unethical wife of several, girlfriend of a many same sex --in the most heterosexual way. I'm just Yani. And I wish you'd ask me about me before you pass judgement and drop blame.

I ain't do it to be cocky, I do it to be loved and understood cuz everyone, yup EVERYONE deserves that. So, you can tell me about myself, constructively, cuz it'll help me grow. But I wanna grow with you...

Reality.

The most unexpected things in life will hurt u. One minute ur lovin the shit out of something and before u can even think about wut happened, it's nothing like u wut u remember. And its hurts. Like nothin has ever hurt before, a soul-hurt, that gets deep in u and effects u even when u don't want it to, especially when u don't want it to.

I trusted. I loved. I gave it my all. And its almost as if it was all a dream, it never happened. all the sweet nothings and shit, were supposedly just that --shit. That's what it's been diminished to --past shit that I guess when the other party looks back, that party is disgusted that it ever made it to that point to begin with. I'm seemingly an accident, a mistake, and I'm about to be written off as if I never happened to begin with, actually, I already have been.

The same person who once upon a time said 'I love u' now looks at me with what I feel like is all the hatred in the world in their eyes. That's tough. It's tougher when that same person thinks ur tearin them down. I don't have the energy or the urge. It's just not apart of me. When I love someone, I make the most efforts to protect u from anything in the world that could hurt u. So why would I personally? Yea, I wouldn't.

But I remember something much different. But now it's time to just remember. I'm not about to forget u. And I could go on forever about this --tryna figure out wut happened, wut went wrong...I'll never understand.

Time to give u wut u want...

The Birds and the Bees

"...and they left all of the snakes out of the birds and the bees."

I actually went searching for the story of the birds and the bees. No such luck lol. Turns out its not a literal type thing. The story of 'the birds and the bees' is just an opening for parents to begin everyone's favorite and most awkward sex talk. But I've come to realize that when parents tell that story, they portray a happy fairytale. And when you're a kid who thinks the birds sing and the bees try to have sex with them to your understanding (that was a Simpsons quote if you ain't know), you believe it. You'll believe anything until you find out firsthand.

So let me tell you the real story. Some shit that I know firsthand.

"So, back when crushes didn't crush us..."

Birds and bees are completely different creatures. You shouldn't really expect the birds to understand how the bees feel or vise versa. But they try to make it work anyways. It's like I know you're from Venus and I'm from Mars but let's meet somewhere in the middle, Earth maybe, and make magic or some shit like that. Men and women really are from two different world's. Their mannerisms are different, their thought process is different, and their hearts? Their hearts are programmed in a completely different way and the sooner both parties involved realize that, we can make something work.

But as I said before, somebody forgot to mention the snakes. And when I mean snakes, I mean the serpent that tempted Eve...except they're lower, grimier...the type that makes your skin crawl. The birds have realized that bees don't fly the way they do and the bees no that the birds can build their nests anywhere, with another bee, or many bees at the same time...those are the snakes... They let you think they're birds and that they are real enough to make this bird-bee relationship work despite all differences. But they're not. I don't really need to go deeper than that. I'm sure eventually everybody recognizes the appearance of snakes. They're poisonous. But they are damn good at what they do, getting you and making you believe that they're the bird to your bee.

Idk, no one ever told me the story anyways...I've kinda been winging it since I got in the game. And I don't even know which of the two is male or female...is the bird the female because she builds nest...nurturing and is the man the bee because he has a stinger and can pollinate? Idk but if so, I definitely wrote it the other way lol. Oh well, I just wanted to write.

"If you're a bird, then I'm a bird." -The Notebook

The Miseducation of Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyOhUXsGqak

i still love Lauryn Hill, as if i ever stopped.

"You love me despite myself/Sometimes I, I fight myself/I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure, someone so immature/Oh you inspire me to be the higher me."

i gotta find peace of mind and i guess i've been looking in all the wrong places.

i've been completely miseducated, i blame school.
all these years of schooling, and now paying out the ass for non sense.

teach me something i can use...tell me the secret of love, that there aren't any secrets.
i want to breathe and know that someone, somewhere inhaled as i exhaled, because i exhaled.

be my better half. strength is only evident because weakness ever existed.
i've had weakness. "tell him i love him, tell him i need him." i've told him several times. he has to bear with me. if he can't...? well, i'm not sure.

"i may have faith to make mountains fall/ but if i lack love/ then i am nothing at all."

miseducation is definite.

and in my life, spirituality as over taken religion:

but that's another story for another day, and i'm sure it's a completely different Lauryn Hill song, "adam lives in theory" floats to mind...