Storms.

Thunder shook me from my sleep.
And I reached out for you
only to wrap my hand around
emptiness and disappointment.
I squeezed my pillow
and thought of you and our storms.
And now this trip down memory lane
got me uneasily walking through our late nights.
This rain outside would be perfect for some lovemaking;
moans escaping in between the raindrops.
I squirm at the thought of times when we've been one;
finding your way into the heavens between my thighs.
I've made the storm jealous;
becoming drenched with all this reminiscing.
It'd be better if you were here to feel this storm with me;
the storm in me.
The heavens throb for your touch;
and I squeeze tighter tryna keep the flood waters in.
Outside my window;
thunder beckons again
and I can almost feel you pounding in me
as if you're tryna outdo Mother Nature.
Lightning flashes
and I look up into the night sky to see your face.
I bite my lip with frustration.
I want your lips against mines;
drowning amongst the clouds.
You dive into me.
Then quiet my pleas
with long overdue kisses
and I taste my angels that have found home near my knees.
The heavens can't keep the moisture from flowing out the gates.
Oh; it's amazing how
your body quakes into mines;
sending shakes up my spine.
I dig my nails into your skin;
clawing at your flesh;
tearing apart your sins.
Downpour outside picks up speed;
and you change pace to keep up;
personal storms trickling down my thighs.
Deep breaths.
Sweet moans.
Long sighs.
I toss and turn under the weight of your memory
and cuddle with the Iloveyou's of our past.
Storm still frantic in my heavens;
hell erupts outside my window
and the room smells of satisfaction
and reeks of your absence.

Whoooo. I turned myself on when I wrote this lmao. I mean I was already a little turned on anyways...lls tis how I thought of it.

Thoughts of an Insomniac.

I think he's beautiful...


Looking back at pictures and the things he used to say to me; I'm sure that once upon a time, he loved me as much as I thought he did, if not more...

Blah. Blah. Blah...


I still think about him alot...even know I'm not supposed to be and I shouldn't be. I think about how sweet 'I love you' sounded from his lips and how I felt like my reply "I love you more' was a lie; not because I didn't {because God knows I loved him with everything I had} but because I felt he loved me that much. In a way that was almost unbearable to be away from him for longer than a few hours...I felt invincible with him. Invincible and helpless at the same time...

I think that love...has a way of making someone apart of you; your better half and nonsense like that. And I'd hate to think that someone undeserving or just anyone in general has had that part of me...I've handled somethings really bad between us but I think for the most part; I handled this one thing pretty well...And I don't think anyone knows how bad this one situation has broke me. I'm pretty hurt by it...I didn't realize how hurt until about an hour ago. It's one of those things that will always bother me probably...

I don't think I'll ever forgive her.


I've run out of random thoughts to embarrass myself with...I'm actually pretty tired but sleep is hard to come by now-a-days...always, always thinking...about him, or how I miss the shit outta my best friend, why nothing is going the way I want it to go. I don't really believe in all the beautiful things I once did; like love and best friends; I mean I do...but nothing quite feels the same as it used to...and I'm a cry baby...whatever. I guess there's some strength somewhere in all of this.

I need someone to tell my secrets too...but I don't see me telling anyone everything anymore.

I think that his hugs are magic and could solve every problem.
I think that his forehead kisses would still send chills through my body.
And I can't even imagine how big the smile on my face would be if he hugged me from behind, slid his hand into mines and told me he loved me...

No one needs to read this...but if you have know that I think I'm a complete idiot and I wish I would've just went to sleep...=(

#ShitHappens; What Can You Do?

Ughh; I'm an awkward ass fuckin clutz; lol smh.

Yesterday; I deleted 3 to 4 years of pictures out of my phone on accident. That's all the adventures of senior year; 1 or maybe 2 relationships {I think only 1}; freshman year shenanigans and a summer to remember. FML; somethin serious. So; I'm not gonna lie I cried...thought it was the end of the world and tried my damnedest to recover all those pics. And I almost had them; the memories flooded their way across my computer screen but eventually most ended up corrupted and I gave up. Yea; corrupted; just like all the things that make up my past relationships and friendships that didn't wanna keep going. They were corrupted; either by internal or external forces and eventually; they're gone and I give up. But you trust; I fought --for those pics and my relationships.

In the process of tryna get back some pictures that I rarely look at {I just find comfort in knowing they're there}; I deleted two weeks of texts and 3 phone numbers; one of which I wanna kick myself in the face for losing. I shoulda just let the pictures go cuz now I may have compromised something else....FML again.


The point I guess I'm tryna make at damn near 3'o'clock in the morning is: sometimes people hold onto the very thing God Himself is tryna rip away from you. I hope that everyone's life works out for the best...I wish it were a fairytale and no one ever felt the pain of being alone or depressed or let down but its not. This is real life and its going to hurt; you just have decide what you're willing to put up with. You can love someone to the end of the earth but you can't make them love you back. There is no correct explanation that will capture your lovers heart if they don't want you. But; uh I've been told life goes on...so; I'm gonna just cross my fingers and hope for a text message...I probably have soooo much more to say; but I'll save it for another post. Ughh; I need a person...someone to be good to; only if they're good to me though. #ShitHappens; What Can You Do? Uh; live I guess...

♥It's not that I don't; it's moreso that I can't...not anymore.

Letter to the Sixth of February

*a post that was written days in advance of the actual day; i waited so long to post. hesitant. and idk how i feel about puttin it out there but i know that when i wrote this letter, it felt beautiful; whether anyone sees it or not...and by anyone i mean, to whom it may concern...


To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this finds you in good spirits...or that it simply finds you.

Today is the 6th of February. And it's just another day. One that wedges itself between the 5th and the 7th. I wish it were important, that it marked some journey that we successfully made it through. Today should be the sum of great accomplishments.

But this day leaves a bittersweet feeling clouding my mind. Me secretly wishing that this day was filled with everything that I remember about how we started; a complete 180 degrees from where we stand now. And I don't wanna forget how your lips feel pressed against mines and other sweet parts of my body. The way it felt to reach out for a hand and feel yours slip so perfectly into mines. The safety and comfort that I could find with my face buried in your chest, inhaling your fragrance. I dreamt you this morning and Lord knows you felt so good; almost like you were really here. Like how I used to wake up to your face next to mines. But today, I stared into the empty space that used to Yo Side of the Bed and hugged your memory. It's not as good as being laid up in your arms; caressing your smooth skin, rubbin down your back and your stomach while the sky cries cold tears that piles into white mountains; envious of the warmth that the two of us had found in each other.

Warmth.


There's nothing like the way you smooth found your way into my warmest parts; the sacred place between my legs, and my heart. Feeling you got my heart racing, skin tingling, blood pumping, moans escaping, grabbing the sheets, the pillow, the mattress...scratchin you up. Lips like heaven, body the perfect piece to the puzzle that is me. Ughhh, I thought you were the shit.


So, we've shared amazing moments. And of course the not-so-amazing. Somedays, I'm still beyond angry with you. How stupid you've been, how stupid I've allowed you to make me. Fools falling in love. I've cried. I've wanted to hurt you as bad as you've hurt me; salty cause, I don't have it in me to cause you pain. Been forced to sit idle while people have bashed you; sorta feeling like they're right but praying that I knew you better than they did and you would show them just how wrong they've been. The days that hurt the most were when you were a stranger to me; when I knew nothing of you, or what you've been up to, or anything about you, or that someone knew you better than me. What the fuck? I've been all up, down and around that body; spent hours tryna get inside your head, carve a space out for myself in your heart; only to watch it all fall apart...or someone else get in easier than me.

But I remember you, love. Most definitely. Not just on February 6th but everyday that my hand doesn't find yours. Miss you, love you...Happy 6th of February.

--Iyana ♥

P.S. And if you ever find someone new, just know she better be good to you cause if she isn't...