What I've Been Thinking.

Random thoughts: Thank God for best friends. And I've written some really beautiful poems lately... #thatisall.


The hardest thing in the world is watching the one you love, loving someone else. I know it's bound to happen...I hate the thought of it. Scary, honestly. And I rarely ever tell anyone I'm scared of anything except my silly lil fears like thunder and of course, ladybugs; so, consider yourself lucky to have read that.

I don't have any control over anyone else's feelings. I barely have control over my own feelings and shit. I can cross my fingers and wish for people to feel how I want them to feel all I want but no. I can think to myself that no one's gonna love the way that I would, give them all that I would but I can wanna give someone the world all I want but I can't make them take it. It kills me inside. Even when I try to tell myself it doesn't. Even when I try to act like it doesn't. Everybody knows and I wish they didn't.

In similar news, one best friend is headed onto what seems to be a great new adventure, which is awesome. He's the type of guy who gives a girl his all, wish they were all like that but whatever, whatever. The other best friend finds herself questioning everything she's come to know. She's so much like me it's bothersome. And I'm tryna give her advice, knowing I suck at the exact situation she's in, well similarly, cuz honestly, I'm not in a situation, right? I just have the very unfortunate luck of loving a friend...one I'd do anything for, like swallow my emotions...

I wonder if cavemen ever fell in love...you know, so easy a caveman can do it...what if they never did it? That was dumb...it's just hard. Everything will work itself out in time, I suppose. Whatever will happen will. I'm not sure, I'm not even supposed to be thinking about it...but we're rapidly approaching February and I just wanna rub a stomach...weird, yea. It's a throwback kinda feeling...one that I'm feeling by myself.

Now, ain't that some shit, lol, smh.

Chasing Dreams with the Angels

I'm pretty sure I believe in angels...Yuuup, really beautiful ones with hidden wings and sweet heavenly faces and big hearts. I'm really lucky to be honest. I'm surrounded by some amazing people who make my life worth living and provide me with opportunities that I would've missed without them. Not to mention all the love and laughter I share with them. When love and friendship is real and honest, nothing can tear it apart. Not distance or time or insignificant dramas. I don't care if you're in North Carolina or you're in London with a ridiculous five hour time distance, I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna wish you were next to me sharing these moments of my life, but I also know that when we come back together, it's gonna be like we never left each others side. That's if it's all real. Cause I love my angels and I want all the happiness in the world for them. I'm willing to let you go, I'm more than happy to let you live cause if you need me, you know exactly where to find me. I'll be on the other end of your phone call or text msg or webcam over skype. If you want me, I'm right here.

Only time will tell who will always be an angel in my life. Time and circumstances.

But I've had a lot of time to think and just...breathe. And I almost know exactly what I want...almost. But I have time to figure it out. I'm ready to chase some FUCKING dreams lol. With the help of my wonderful friends and God. --Yea, me and Him got a special thing going on, just between me and Him. I'm spiritual...still tryna figure out if that's synonymous to religious. Oh well.

Here's some random short stories of what the angels do:

• Sit with me in the stairwell while I cry. Stand with me in the rain while we try to jump the car. Tell me their secrets. Tell me I can do anything when I swear I can't. Speed to make it to the carryout before midnight. Buy me Sims 3.
• Go on adventures/roadtrips to the mall. Show me their ass as they're walking down the hallway. Buy me lipgloss. Text me all day long. Help me drag a very drunk person inside while he screams about the things people have done to his balls. Take naps with me. Speak highly of me. Offer to kill my roommate for me. Tell me your escaping from Alcatraz... 
• Make funny videos. Tell me I deserve better. And that we're lucky to escape. Watch sweeny todd with me. Eat donuts. And sushi. And Chipotle. And Coldstones. Also take naps with me. Sing to me/with me. Throw apple sauce at people, the same apple sauce you offered to share with me and when I said yes please, you said no...
• Lay in bed with 3 of the coolest people in the world. (Well only TWO of them are the coolest to me, the other one is cool to her.) Stay up til 7am, mad that we didn't think to get McDonald's breakfast. Skype from 5000 miles away. Get lost while walking in snow storms. Slumber parties. Tons of journals, filled with secrets, dreams, stories, poems. Watch purple ink run down the drain.
• Send good morning and good night texts. Give me back rubs. Write me songs. Send me surprises. Wish you were in this state instead of that state. Sing Kid Cudi with me. Tell me my looks could kill you lol. One last time before you go. Greatest 5 minutes of my life seeing you. Drive me crazy.
• Stay up with me when I can't sleep. Make me brownies. Eat ihop with me.
• Tell me I inspire you and I'm wise and real. Call me lil mama.
• Spill juice on your shirt. Watch Top Model in my lil brother's room. My spiritual advisor. Ask to hang with me cause Zeno is in the room. Play DJ Hero and spades with me.
• Have tree waiting for me. Party with me. Shop with me. Let me keep you company while you're at work. Fistpump.
• Buy me panties. Cry in the movies with me. Fight about who's gonna drive. Take your ugg boats off and walk in 30 degree weather while you're on the phone with "Corey's Father" screaming you love him, LOUD, for everyone to hear...
• Listen to my stories. Fight for me. Ride the subway with me. Tell me the truth. Forgive me. Understand that I need to circle Forever 21 seven times before I actually try something on.
• (THROWBACK) -- Kiss my forehead-nose-lips; in that order. Watch shows with me that you hate at first and then grow to love. Hold my hand. Hug me. Be my biggest fan. Take care of me when I'm sick. Best team ever. Sled in the snow on a piece of cardboard with me. Make me laugh. Say you love me.

Those are all true stories. Each bullet about someone different, someone special. Angels. With beautiful, inspiring, meaningful lives. I love a good group of people. And it feels so right when they love me back. Nothing is perfect, or written in stone for sure what's going to happen, but for now, I've got a oddly great team. Life isn't the best but it could be a whole lot worst...

Don't be discouraged if you're alone; because if you're alone and alive, you've already proven that you don't need anyone.

--So I never actually am alone, I just always feel alone...

The Miseducation of Me to You.

You keep me grounded cuz at times I'm out of whack. Ur an essential part of my everyday activities and I'm happy we're growing to be best friends. I love how you love me and I give much credit to you for helping me get...cuz you never gave up when I did at times. Ur a great encourager even when I don't wanna believe you. You keep it 100 twenty-four seven and I really appreciate that. I couldn't ask for a better friend that's short, cute and brilliant. Ur light shines bright and it's one that anybody would be lucky to be in. I'm just happy that you allowed me to get a glimpse of the amazingness that's yet to come. --probably one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.

Finally. Someone sees something great in me. I can whine that no one understands me, knowing that's not true. It's right there --proof that someone gets me. And I know that there are a little circle of people that understand me and thinks that I'm lowkey awesome in my own special way.

But...I'm what psychologists and Webster call a pessimist. So no matter how much you pour in my glass, I'ma tell you that it's not enough, it's half empty instead of half full, not because I'm selfish but because I've gotten uncomfortably used to disappointment. And for some odd reason, I got all these wonderful ass people loving me but the fact that someone misunderstands me, fucks my whole world up. And it shouldn't but I got this lil' blood pumper called a heart that feels...it doesn't matter how exactly but i feel. I feel like some people are completely miseducated on me. I've been called a lot of things --sweetheart, baby, love, lil mama (in the cute way not the why do u have a ponytail hole cut in ur new era fitted? kinda way), whore, slut, dumb bitch... --and the confession is: I either smile excessively from a gesture of kindness from anyone, or I let words hurt me, even make me cry. I let words hurt me.That's some real honesty. I know, I know, I need to just man the fuck up. Guess I'm just a cry baby...

I AM A SWEETHEART. That's what it is. I've tried to be cold, I've tried to care about everything but these bitches (and interchangeably niggas), but I do. I'm sensitive and emotional and warm-hearted...I'm genuine with my feelings and the things I say. I'm honest cuz I hate to be lied to myself. An okay listener who can sometimes talk too much but I got a nigga (well not a nigga) tellin me about myself. I'm still living off some shit they taught in kindergarten --treat people how you wanna be treated. I can't be savage, I'm not vengeful, or hateful. The fact is, I'ma always tell you how I feel even if I know it has potential to end bad. I can give out advice ALL DAY LONG but my own shit is a beautiful mess that drives me crazy, pierces me in places I wish you didn't still have control over and hurts. Truth is --I'd die for mines. I keep people I love up on a very high pedestal where they're surrounded with respect, understanding, trust and enough love to suffocate the shit outta anybody. But I know they deserve it, especially the ones who say shit like that.

Long story short --I can love people who seem to be complete strangers to me. You should know me better than to think that I'd show you anything but love and respect. But I guess you don't. I'm a lover. A fighter --I'd die for mines. BEST friend; shoulder to cry on. unethical wife of several, girlfriend of a many same sex --in the most heterosexual way. I'm just Yani. And I wish you'd ask me about me before you pass judgement and drop blame.

I ain't do it to be cocky, I do it to be loved and understood cuz everyone, yup EVERYONE deserves that. So, you can tell me about myself, constructively, cuz it'll help me grow. But I wanna grow with you...