when we were in love.

i remember the time so vividly
as if it happened yesterday.
i still have kisses lingering on my forehead and nose,
anticipating when u would finally kiss my lips.
i've always been scared of u.
scared that we could be something they couldn't handle.
scared that i would take ur hand
only for u to lead me some place where
u could leave me
and i would just be there needing u.
but we were in love.
so i threw all my fears aside cuz
i've never been more scared of anything than
losing u.
so now we do this uncoordinated dance
of what used to be...
i sit back and blame myself,
wondering if i hadn't been so scared and
called dibs on ur ass when u wanted me
i would have u.
but i mean,
that was when we were in love.
when nothing else mattered but us being together
and nothing could keep us apart.
we said a lot of long goodbyes
trying to drag out our last moments together for as long as we could
and now we've been reduced to informal passing bys
with no hopes of the sweet kisses or hugs we had
when we were in love.
cuz now it's just
i'm in love.
with a memory.
with the way we used to be.
the way i screamed ur name until i couldn't scream anymore.
the way we stayed up late just talking.
the way we held hands
and held each other
and held our hearts
when we were apart
too long.
when we were in love
i was ur girl.
but now i've been reduced to some girl.
some girl who loves u.
some girl who defends u.
some girl who misses u.
but none of that matters
cuz we're not in love.
it's just me by myself.
it was right around this time last year
when we were in love.

it's no shocker. im in love with a boy. what do u do when ur biggest fear comes to be? there's nothing u can do. =/
i love you.

that's all i have.

TWLOHA

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that encourages hope and strength for people struggling with depression, addiction, self injury and suicide. Their vision is the belief that:

-You were created to love and be loved.
-You are not alone, especially at the times you feel MOST alone.
-Pain is real.
-Your life is worth fighting for.

So today, on November 13, I supported the movement because LOVE is one of the most important factors in my life. I've said it before and I still stand by it: Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for and risking everything for.

And the thing that gets me about TWLOHA is that you never know who needs love and hope. Things like TWLOHA remind me to keep an open heart, not be judgmental and remember that no matter how bad I think I have it, someone, somewhere has it worse off than me...Some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard...

Yung, I'm cool as shit. lmao.

Lil Angie's arm. lol. 

For more info hit this :http://www.twloha.com/vision/ for the vision, the story, and ways you can support the movement. LOVE is the Movement. Rescue is possible.

♥missflyybarbie

The Truth About Everything

It pays to be honest, but it's slow pay. -Proverb

When I say everything...I almost certainly mean...everything...I don't even know where to begin...

Well, actually, let's start with family. Families are the core and foundation of a person's life. To say the least, my core is weak, and dysfunctional and disturbed...I'm a statistic. I grew up without a father. Some say I'm better off without him anyways but thing is, one title I will never have no matter where I go in my life is: daddy's little girl. But I guess that's some shit I can easily grow out of since I don't know what it feels like anyways. But hey, everybody gets two tries at parents. I have a mom. She's cold. Spiteful. Distant. Judgmental. Bipolar. Alcoholic. And was or is still possibly addicted to drugs... I love my mom but a bigger, angrier, neglected part hates her in every way that I can. (So, now you know about that. Please don't act differently or weird towards my mom; she's not crazy because of drugs, she's crazy because she's crazy. I don't really wanna go much further than that.) I've never told anyone because I feel like for some reason that makes ME less of a person...and I'm ashamed; that's basically what it is, and it gives people something to use against me when they're trying to hurt me; kids are cruel and that's why I NEVER told; ammo to go on me like there is no tomorrow. But I think that's enough about family. Their story gets pretty traumatic and painful for everybody. We're not much of a family, even before I was born. We don't hug, we don't talk, I don't call home, it's a hassle if I want to get picked up from school for one weekend, we don't say I love you, unless someone is watching. (That one's on them; I don't play that fake shit.)

Sooo, on to the next one: school. I'm a sophomore on her fourth major. I've been through Theater, Psychology, English and now I'm on Business Communications. That's a story I'll tell you when I first meet you. I'm intelligent, wise even, but I may also be one of those people who school is not really for them. But I have no choice, no back-up plan. I go to a $30,000 a year, small, racist, athletically challenged university in cold ass Baltimore where there's no muthafuckin mumbo sauce or good half and halfs. Also, no one in the "family" mentioned above planned or saved anything for me to go to school. I'm ass deep in loans, with no books and no car. With that being said, if I don't have any books, how do figure I'm doing in school? Damn sure not anywhere where I could be academically. I don't have the initiative. So, I don't go to class, no point if I don't have any books. It discourages me and constantly makes me feel stupid and like an underachiever. Thing is, I don't dream about a school. I would love to hold some high degree in a field that somewhat interests me...but I dream about things some people would say are out of my reach like being a model, a fashionista, a photographer, a sex symbol lol. But I'm not tall enough, or original enough or sexy enough, or so I've been told.

Which brings us to a short segment I like to call: my self esteem. I've recently come into my own; how nice. I'm pretty secure when it comes to most things because I've developed the idea that you can't compare what's a thousand steps to the left to anybody else. So, I'm running after being a free-spirit and a kind heart; hoping that everything else will fall together. I've found my favorite features about myself: my lips, my nose, my eyes, my boobs; to love no matter how small my ass is. I think I'm what Wale would call a pretty girl because I have my shit together and there are some girls prettier than me and some who don't stand a chance. That may be cocky but I let my own shit shine and if that diminishes you, maybe you need to work on you instead of worrying about me. And I'm pretty with a personality, there ain't a thousand girls like that and there's only one me.

But something had my self esteem shook...a boy of all things. Had me feeling ugly, and confused, and blah, blah, blah...took me way out of my character to say the least...

-sigh- Once upon a time, sexy boy meets equally sexy girl. Girl and boy fall in love despite all odds and circumstances; somethings, especially things like love, can't be helped or avoided. Girl gives boy the world because that's the least she could do for him giving her the same. They're both lovers, best friends, confidants, tutors, maids, comedy, comfort to each other; everything and anything you need, I got you. Then, one day, boy rips everything out from underneath girl without warning. Takes every sweet word he's ever said to her back and replaces them with hurtful ones. Boy doesn't love girl but girl still loves him. Girl still fucks him, probably better than she did before. Girl asked a handful of questions in the beginning...girl doesn't ask any questions anymore...girl hopes boy isn't with this girl or that girl. Did I mention girl loves boy? Defends him. Helps him. Prays for him. Girl bottles her emotions good and bad. Boy SEEMS to be doing better without girl...girl also seems better without boy. But they were better together...more focused, healthier, cleaner rooms, better grades. But girl can't be mad at boy because he's gotta live his life, and its on the list of reasons that girl loves boy: he's like no other person, has his own mind, does his own thing. Boy is a lil mean now...ok, a lot mean. Girl doesn't want boy to lose himself inside pussy dreams and anything else...but when boy is with girl, he's with her. And when he's not, who know where boy is...

*based on a true story that never happened.

Now to end with little truths. I smoked weed for like a week, I HAD to stop because when I was on Mars, I started thinking I would end up like my mom, biggest fear in the world. And it made me a hypocrite for being mad someone else had smoked weed. Truth: I like the stillness in being high, but I was only doing it to balance out my lows. It's not a lifestyle I want at all. And my sex game is ridiculous lmao.

I think that's all I got.

So, that's it. The truth about everything....I think.

♥missflyybarbie

The Art of Cuddling

cud·dle (kdl)
v. cud·dled, cud·dling, cud·dles
v.tr.
To fondle in the arms; hug tenderly. See Synonyms at caress.
v.intr.
To nestle; snuggle.
n.
The act of cuddling; a hug or embrace.

I miss cuddling. The way it makes you feel safe and of course, warm. I loved being so close to a person that I could feel their heart beating in me as if it were my own. There's an intimacy behind it that you can't really get from anything else. As a female, I like to be held, rubbed, comforted. I love feeling a man's body next to me, strong, protecting, all of the above.

I spent a long time cuddling...he held me just because.

And now the reality of it all is: my bed is cold, all the time, no matter how high I have the heat up. And I'm always a text message away from requesting a cuddle session, but I never do...

just a thought....

♥missflyybarbie