It pays to be honest, but it's slow pay. -Proverb
When I say everything...I almost certainly mean...everything...I don't even know where to begin...
Well, actually, let's start with family. Families are the core and foundation of a person's life. To say the least, my core is weak, and dysfunctional and disturbed...I'm a statistic. I grew up without a father. Some say I'm better off without him anyways but thing is, one title I will never have no matter where I go in my life is: daddy's little girl. But I guess that's some shit I can easily grow out of since I don't know what it feels like anyways. But hey, everybody gets two tries at parents. I have a mom. She's cold. Spiteful. Distant. Judgmental. Bipolar. Alcoholic. And was or is still possibly addicted to drugs... I love my mom but a bigger, angrier, neglected part hates her in every way that I can. (So, now you know about that. Please don't act differently or weird towards my mom; she's not crazy because of drugs, she's crazy because she's crazy. I don't really wanna go much further than that.) I've never told anyone because I feel like for some reason that makes ME less of a person...and I'm ashamed; that's basically what it is, and it gives people something to use against me when they're trying to hurt me; kids are cruel and that's why I NEVER told; ammo to go on me like there is no tomorrow. But I think that's enough about family. Their story gets pretty traumatic and painful for everybody. We're not much of a family, even before I was born. We don't hug, we don't talk, I don't call home, it's a hassle if I want to get picked up from school for one weekend, we don't say I love you, unless someone is watching. (That one's on them; I don't play that fake shit.)
Sooo, on to the next one: school. I'm a sophomore on her fourth major. I've been through Theater, Psychology, English and now I'm on Business Communications. That's a story I'll tell you when I first meet you. I'm intelligent, wise even, but I may also be one of those people who school is not really for them. But I have no choice, no back-up plan. I go to a $30,000 a year, small, racist, athletically challenged university in cold ass Baltimore where there's no muthafuckin mumbo sauce or good half and halfs. Also, no one in the "family" mentioned above planned or saved anything for me to go to school. I'm ass deep in loans, with no books and no car. With that being said, if I don't have any books, how do figure I'm doing in school? Damn sure not anywhere where I could be academically. I don't have the initiative. So, I don't go to class, no point if I don't have any books. It discourages me and constantly makes me feel stupid and like an underachiever. Thing is, I don't dream about a school. I would love to hold some high degree in a field that somewhat interests me...but I dream about things some people would say are out of my reach like being a model, a fashionista, a photographer, a sex symbol lol. But I'm not tall enough, or original enough or sexy enough, or so I've been told.
Which brings us to a short segment I like to call: my self esteem. I've recently come into my own; how nice. I'm pretty secure when it comes to most things because I've developed the idea that you can't compare what's a thousand steps to the left to anybody else. So, I'm running after being a free-spirit and a kind heart; hoping that everything else will fall together. I've found my favorite features about myself: my lips, my nose, my eyes, my boobs; to love no matter how small my ass is. I think I'm what Wale would call a pretty girl because I have my shit together and there are some girls prettier than me and some who don't stand a chance. That may be cocky but I let my own shit shine and if that diminishes you, maybe you need to work on you instead of worrying about me. And I'm pretty with a personality, there ain't a thousand girls like that and there's only one me.
But something had my self esteem shook...a boy of all things. Had me feeling ugly, and confused, and blah, blah, blah...took me way out of my character to say the least...
-sigh- Once upon a time, sexy boy meets equally sexy girl. Girl and boy fall in love despite all odds and circumstances; somethings, especially things like love, can't be helped or avoided. Girl gives boy the world because that's the least she could do for him giving her the same. They're both lovers, best friends, confidants, tutors, maids, comedy, comfort to each other; everything and anything you need, I got you. Then, one day, boy rips everything out from underneath girl without warning. Takes every sweet word he's ever said to her back and replaces them with hurtful ones. Boy doesn't love girl but girl still loves him. Girl still fucks him, probably better than she did before. Girl asked a handful of questions in the beginning...girl doesn't ask any questions anymore...girl hopes boy isn't with this girl or that girl. Did I mention girl loves boy? Defends him. Helps him. Prays for him. Girl bottles her emotions good and bad. Boy SEEMS to be doing better without girl...girl also seems better without boy. But they were better together...more focused, healthier, cleaner rooms, better grades. But girl can't be mad at boy because he's gotta live his life, and its on the list of reasons that girl loves boy: he's like no other person, has his own mind, does his own thing. Boy is a lil mean now...ok, a lot mean. Girl doesn't want boy to lose himself inside pussy dreams and anything else...but when boy is with girl, he's with her. And when he's not, who know where boy is...
*based on a true story that never happened.
Now to end with little truths. I smoked weed for like a week, I HAD to stop because when I was on Mars, I started thinking I would end up like my mom, biggest fear in the world. And it made me a hypocrite for being mad someone else had smoked weed. Truth: I like the stillness in being high, but I was only doing it to balance out my lows. It's not a lifestyle I want at all. And my sex game is ridiculous lmao.
I think that's all I got.
So, that's it. The truth about everything....I think.