Everyday's Forecast.

I'm resisting every urge I have to curl up into a ball and disappear off the face of the fucking earth. I'm in a hateful ass relationship with my own damn emotions. I have a tendency to care. I fall for all the wrong people and things and there's this devastatingly cold lonely feeling that won't get of my fucking back. And most importantly, I'm tired. I'm tired. Of trying with bullshit ass results and misinterpretations of my soul, heart and worth.

But yet, I'm still trying. I have no idea why. I'm taking a lot of heat from people I love, leveling out my pride, bottling up my emotions. I know exactly how I feel but I'm tired of explaining, trying to prove myself. Here's what's going on inside my head in a something slight format.

• BOYS. The one I think I want. The one I probably need. The other one? Funny how this is probably the least of my problems. Always in my head but a solution in itself probably. Everybody loses, lol. --That's not funny.
• We'll call this bullet --LOVED ONES AND LISTS. I have some friends. I don't want them to go on this list I have. It's a list that pains me and makes me sad. Like brings me to tears sad. That is all.
• SCHOOL.
• MOTHER.

I repeat --I'm tired. Tired of the same outcomes and repetitive pains. It's really taking a toll on me that I don't want to express. I just need to sit down. And I think I see everything the way its bound to happen. I'm done. I'm gone. You're just waiting. For what? Idk. New Years is just another day on the calendar. Don't structure our pains around it.

He broke down in tears talking about how God neglected him. --Everyday's Forecast.

Reality.

The most unexpected things in life will hurt u. One minute ur lovin the shit out of something and before u can even think about wut happened, it's nothing like u wut u remember. And its hurts. Like nothin has ever hurt before, a soul-hurt, that gets deep in u and effects u even when u don't want it to, especially when u don't want it to.

I trusted. I loved. I gave it my all. And its almost as if it was all a dream, it never happened. all the sweet nothings and shit, were supposedly just that --shit. That's what it's been diminished to --past shit that I guess when the other party looks back, that party is disgusted that it ever made it to that point to begin with. I'm seemingly an accident, a mistake, and I'm about to be written off as if I never happened to begin with, actually, I already have been.

The same person who once upon a time said 'I love u' now looks at me with what I feel like is all the hatred in the world in their eyes. That's tough. It's tougher when that same person thinks ur tearin them down. I don't have the energy or the urge. It's just not apart of me. When I love someone, I make the most efforts to protect u from anything in the world that could hurt u. So why would I personally? Yea, I wouldn't.

But I remember something much different. But now it's time to just remember. I'm not about to forget u. And I could go on forever about this --tryna figure out wut happened, wut went wrong...I'll never understand.

Time to give u wut u want...

The Birds and the Bees

"...and they left all of the snakes out of the birds and the bees."

I actually went searching for the story of the birds and the bees. No such luck lol. Turns out its not a literal type thing. The story of 'the birds and the bees' is just an opening for parents to begin everyone's favorite and most awkward sex talk. But I've come to realize that when parents tell that story, they portray a happy fairytale. And when you're a kid who thinks the birds sing and the bees try to have sex with them to your understanding (that was a Simpsons quote if you ain't know), you believe it. You'll believe anything until you find out firsthand.

So let me tell you the real story. Some shit that I know firsthand.

"So, back when crushes didn't crush us..."

Birds and bees are completely different creatures. You shouldn't really expect the birds to understand how the bees feel or vise versa. But they try to make it work anyways. It's like I know you're from Venus and I'm from Mars but let's meet somewhere in the middle, Earth maybe, and make magic or some shit like that. Men and women really are from two different world's. Their mannerisms are different, their thought process is different, and their hearts? Their hearts are programmed in a completely different way and the sooner both parties involved realize that, we can make something work.

But as I said before, somebody forgot to mention the snakes. And when I mean snakes, I mean the serpent that tempted Eve...except they're lower, grimier...the type that makes your skin crawl. The birds have realized that bees don't fly the way they do and the bees no that the birds can build their nests anywhere, with another bee, or many bees at the same time...those are the snakes... They let you think they're birds and that they are real enough to make this bird-bee relationship work despite all differences. But they're not. I don't really need to go deeper than that. I'm sure eventually everybody recognizes the appearance of snakes. They're poisonous. But they are damn good at what they do, getting you and making you believe that they're the bird to your bee.

Idk, no one ever told me the story anyways...I've kinda been winging it since I got in the game. And I don't even know which of the two is male or female...is the bird the female because she builds nest...nurturing and is the man the bee because he has a stinger and can pollinate? Idk but if so, I definitely wrote it the other way lol. Oh well, I just wanted to write.

"If you're a bird, then I'm a bird." -The Notebook

when we were in love.

i remember the time so vividly
as if it happened yesterday.
i still have kisses lingering on my forehead and nose,
anticipating when u would finally kiss my lips.
i've always been scared of u.
scared that we could be something they couldn't handle.
scared that i would take ur hand
only for u to lead me some place where
u could leave me
and i would just be there needing u.
but we were in love.
so i threw all my fears aside cuz
i've never been more scared of anything than
losing u.
so now we do this uncoordinated dance
of what used to be...
i sit back and blame myself,
wondering if i hadn't been so scared and
called dibs on ur ass when u wanted me
i would have u.
but i mean,
that was when we were in love.
when nothing else mattered but us being together
and nothing could keep us apart.
we said a lot of long goodbyes
trying to drag out our last moments together for as long as we could
and now we've been reduced to informal passing bys
with no hopes of the sweet kisses or hugs we had
when we were in love.
cuz now it's just
i'm in love.
with a memory.
with the way we used to be.
the way i screamed ur name until i couldn't scream anymore.
the way we stayed up late just talking.
the way we held hands
and held each other
and held our hearts
when we were apart
too long.
when we were in love
i was ur girl.
but now i've been reduced to some girl.
some girl who loves u.
some girl who defends u.
some girl who misses u.
but none of that matters
cuz we're not in love.
it's just me by myself.
it was right around this time last year
when we were in love.

it's no shocker. im in love with a boy. what do u do when ur biggest fear comes to be? there's nothing u can do. =/
i love you.

that's all i have.

TWLOHA

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit organization that encourages hope and strength for people struggling with depression, addiction, self injury and suicide. Their vision is the belief that:

-You were created to love and be loved.
-You are not alone, especially at the times you feel MOST alone.
-Pain is real.
-Your life is worth fighting for.

So today, on November 13, I supported the movement because LOVE is one of the most important factors in my life. I've said it before and I still stand by it: Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for and risking everything for.

And the thing that gets me about TWLOHA is that you never know who needs love and hope. Things like TWLOHA remind me to keep an open heart, not be judgmental and remember that no matter how bad I think I have it, someone, somewhere has it worse off than me...Some days it ain't sunny but it ain't so hard...

Yung, I'm cool as shit. lmao.

Lil Angie's arm. lol. 

For more info hit this :http://www.twloha.com/vision/ for the vision, the story, and ways you can support the movement. LOVE is the Movement. Rescue is possible.

♥missflyybarbie

The Truth About Everything

It pays to be honest, but it's slow pay. -Proverb

When I say everything...I almost certainly mean...everything...I don't even know where to begin...

Well, actually, let's start with family. Families are the core and foundation of a person's life. To say the least, my core is weak, and dysfunctional and disturbed...I'm a statistic. I grew up without a father. Some say I'm better off without him anyways but thing is, one title I will never have no matter where I go in my life is: daddy's little girl. But I guess that's some shit I can easily grow out of since I don't know what it feels like anyways. But hey, everybody gets two tries at parents. I have a mom. She's cold. Spiteful. Distant. Judgmental. Bipolar. Alcoholic. And was or is still possibly addicted to drugs... I love my mom but a bigger, angrier, neglected part hates her in every way that I can. (So, now you know about that. Please don't act differently or weird towards my mom; she's not crazy because of drugs, she's crazy because she's crazy. I don't really wanna go much further than that.) I've never told anyone because I feel like for some reason that makes ME less of a person...and I'm ashamed; that's basically what it is, and it gives people something to use against me when they're trying to hurt me; kids are cruel and that's why I NEVER told; ammo to go on me like there is no tomorrow. But I think that's enough about family. Their story gets pretty traumatic and painful for everybody. We're not much of a family, even before I was born. We don't hug, we don't talk, I don't call home, it's a hassle if I want to get picked up from school for one weekend, we don't say I love you, unless someone is watching. (That one's on them; I don't play that fake shit.)

Sooo, on to the next one: school. I'm a sophomore on her fourth major. I've been through Theater, Psychology, English and now I'm on Business Communications. That's a story I'll tell you when I first meet you. I'm intelligent, wise even, but I may also be one of those people who school is not really for them. But I have no choice, no back-up plan. I go to a $30,000 a year, small, racist, athletically challenged university in cold ass Baltimore where there's no muthafuckin mumbo sauce or good half and halfs. Also, no one in the "family" mentioned above planned or saved anything for me to go to school. I'm ass deep in loans, with no books and no car. With that being said, if I don't have any books, how do figure I'm doing in school? Damn sure not anywhere where I could be academically. I don't have the initiative. So, I don't go to class, no point if I don't have any books. It discourages me and constantly makes me feel stupid and like an underachiever. Thing is, I don't dream about a school. I would love to hold some high degree in a field that somewhat interests me...but I dream about things some people would say are out of my reach like being a model, a fashionista, a photographer, a sex symbol lol. But I'm not tall enough, or original enough or sexy enough, or so I've been told.

Which brings us to a short segment I like to call: my self esteem. I've recently come into my own; how nice. I'm pretty secure when it comes to most things because I've developed the idea that you can't compare what's a thousand steps to the left to anybody else. So, I'm running after being a free-spirit and a kind heart; hoping that everything else will fall together. I've found my favorite features about myself: my lips, my nose, my eyes, my boobs; to love no matter how small my ass is. I think I'm what Wale would call a pretty girl because I have my shit together and there are some girls prettier than me and some who don't stand a chance. That may be cocky but I let my own shit shine and if that diminishes you, maybe you need to work on you instead of worrying about me. And I'm pretty with a personality, there ain't a thousand girls like that and there's only one me.

But something had my self esteem shook...a boy of all things. Had me feeling ugly, and confused, and blah, blah, blah...took me way out of my character to say the least...

-sigh- Once upon a time, sexy boy meets equally sexy girl. Girl and boy fall in love despite all odds and circumstances; somethings, especially things like love, can't be helped or avoided. Girl gives boy the world because that's the least she could do for him giving her the same. They're both lovers, best friends, confidants, tutors, maids, comedy, comfort to each other; everything and anything you need, I got you. Then, one day, boy rips everything out from underneath girl without warning. Takes every sweet word he's ever said to her back and replaces them with hurtful ones. Boy doesn't love girl but girl still loves him. Girl still fucks him, probably better than she did before. Girl asked a handful of questions in the beginning...girl doesn't ask any questions anymore...girl hopes boy isn't with this girl or that girl. Did I mention girl loves boy? Defends him. Helps him. Prays for him. Girl bottles her emotions good and bad. Boy SEEMS to be doing better without girl...girl also seems better without boy. But they were better together...more focused, healthier, cleaner rooms, better grades. But girl can't be mad at boy because he's gotta live his life, and its on the list of reasons that girl loves boy: he's like no other person, has his own mind, does his own thing. Boy is a lil mean now...ok, a lot mean. Girl doesn't want boy to lose himself inside pussy dreams and anything else...but when boy is with girl, he's with her. And when he's not, who know where boy is...

*based on a true story that never happened.

Now to end with little truths. I smoked weed for like a week, I HAD to stop because when I was on Mars, I started thinking I would end up like my mom, biggest fear in the world. And it made me a hypocrite for being mad someone else had smoked weed. Truth: I like the stillness in being high, but I was only doing it to balance out my lows. It's not a lifestyle I want at all. And my sex game is ridiculous lmao.

I think that's all I got.

So, that's it. The truth about everything....I think.

♥missflyybarbie

The Art of Cuddling

cud·dle (kdl)
v. cud·dled, cud·dling, cud·dles
v.tr.
To fondle in the arms; hug tenderly. See Synonyms at caress.
v.intr.
To nestle; snuggle.
n.
The act of cuddling; a hug or embrace.

I miss cuddling. The way it makes you feel safe and of course, warm. I loved being so close to a person that I could feel their heart beating in me as if it were my own. There's an intimacy behind it that you can't really get from anything else. As a female, I like to be held, rubbed, comforted. I love feeling a man's body next to me, strong, protecting, all of the above.

I spent a long time cuddling...he held me just because.

And now the reality of it all is: my bed is cold, all the time, no matter how high I have the heat up. And I'm always a text message away from requesting a cuddle session, but I never do...

just a thought....

♥missflyybarbie

The Celebration of Pussy

write about vaginas, those are deep. -matt.

*parental discretion is advised* <---lol.

Lol, I have awesome best friends if I do say so myself. Excuse the fuck out of my title, but Matt is right, vagina's are deep, deeper than most people think, men and women included. Vagina's go as deep as a woman's soul goes. A woman's empowerment is deeply connected to their sexuality, "Pussy Power" if you wanna call it that. Pussy is a great thing, if I do say so myself. Yes, I'll hype my own shit 'cause I gets it in...haha, lemme stop. (but really, i do.) Anyways, as I said, pussy = greatness but a lot of people have a tendency to disrespect the pussy and I can never understand why...pussy is the 50% of the creation of the world; the more painful 50%. Men disrespect pussy and the women who own them DESPITE the fact that they themselves came from a beautiful vagina. Speaking as a woman, I know that when a man is good to me, treats me well and loves me outside of the bedroom, my pussy is better to him. When he proceeds to fuck up, the pussy takes notice and he may not be swimmin it like he used to. My pussy is directly connected to my emotions, almost all women's are, if not, be assured there is some underlying reason from their pasts that has made them that way...

A major example of pussy praising is The Vagina Monologues. If you haven't seen it or heard of it at all, look that shit up, lol. One of my favorite scenes (they're damn near all my favorites) from TVM is "Because He Liked to Look at It" in which a woman describes how she thought her pubic area was ugly and unattractive until a sexual encounter with a man who loved to spend hours looking at it. And that my friends is exactly the type of appreciation people should have towards the vag. But ladies, don't wait until a man begins to appreciate your pussy. If you already love the pussy God gave you before anyone else does, the confidence will radiate through you and men feed off that shit, other women do too, i mean everybody does. It's like the quote from the movie Coach Carter by Marianne Williamson, "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." When a woman walks around confidently, other woman will be forced to, like Nicki Minaj says, step their cookies up.

Dear men (not boys cause boys haven't yet grasped this concept), you should loveeeee pussy and I mean love in a way that does not abuse and use women. You need to stop tryna fuck every girl in the world. You may think you're satisfied but you'll never know what real satisfaction is until you find that ONE woman, that ONE pussy that treats you so well. The kind of pussy that makes your toes curl, makes you moan, bite your lip, say her name because you actually know what it is and then when she puts your ass to bed, you don't mind waking up to the beautiful WOMAN that owns that pussy and loves sharing it with you and only you. Also, when you loveeeee some pussy make sure you love it good. EAT IT, hit it how she wants it, just make it feel good. It should be ONE PUSSY and ONE PUSSY ONLY that you treat so well.

I feel as if vagina, pussy, cooch, cunt or any other word that you can think of to describe such a powerful movement (yes, pussy power is a movement.) should be praised and appreciated by the owners and the lovers and the admirers and shit, even the ob-gyn's. And if you can't respect the pussy, well then, truth be told, you can just fuck yourself.

♥missflyybarbie

This Thing Called Love

Show no love, love will get you killed.

That's a ridiculous rule, but the way things usually fall will make you feel like that. I have a best friend, one really awesome girl who you could basically say this rule is her way of life, and after what I've been through, I'm damn near this close to hopping on that boat too.

What have I been through you ask? Well, I loved a boy, or present tense still love, who used to love me back. And now he couldn't care less. It's a different kinda pain that I've never felt, a soul-hurt. It hurts deeper than anything else ever has and what's worse is, I can't even say we're friends. If I hadn't showed him love, he wouldn't be killing me, feel me? Times like these can discourage the heart. Especially when I miss him at random parts of the day or damn near every damn thing reminds me of a time when we were US. But I was good to him, wanted to be better of course, cause that's my human nature, I just always strive to be a better person. My other best friend, one great white kid, tells me that I should sleep soundly knowing that I have a heart and that I'm capable of a feeling that most people never grasp in their whole life, or that most people get really good at pretending.

I love too hard and I've never thought that was a bad thing. I love the way I love because I know how people (family and mates) have loved me in the past, and that it's not a good feeling, not one of those I-feel-protected-and-warm-inside things. Once upon a time, I felt warm and fuzzy from just the thought of this boy...and I don't know what he feels towards me today 'cause I don't understand him, but even after all this, I don't hate him. I would never dream of it.

All in all, what I'm saying is: You can't let bad experiences shy you from the beauty of life and love for that matter. When he loved me, it was amazing, perfect, everything you would want love to be: your best friend and your lover all wrapped into one sexy or beautiful package but now I'm working through the pain of not even having the friend I knew. And I don't want my savage best friend to be discouraged by the pain I'm going through or the pain she's been through herself. It's all really beautiful and worth it. Promise.

♥missflyybarbie

The Man Broke the Internet...Damn...

I've made my share of jokes about Mike J but it doesn't mean I wasn't always a fan, and I've always been behind him, but a great man died yesterday.
But even in his passing, he still finds a way to put the world in a frenzy.
How many people does it take to break the internet? One, if that one is Michael Jackson. Here's to the legend, the innovator, the master, and so on and so forth, Michael Jackson. You have earned and fully deserve your peace so RIP. "I bet you everyone slow clapped when Michael arrived in heaven."
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/06/26/michael.jackson.internet/index.html

He influenced EVERYBODY. PYT is my favorite song. JabbaWockeez killed it! Love them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWrNAp3E9jA

Pray the Jackson family && the world, shit is deep.

P.S. Heard a funny thing today: Somewhere, Kanye is tryna figure out a way to make this shit about him. lmao, probably.


gorgeous ass man. lol.

Oh Calvin Klein! LOL.

So CK has a new large ass 50ft billboard in NYC that has everybody talking. It's a little risque' if I do say so myself but I see the artistic nature behind. I can also see how some people wouldn't. It makes me think "The things people will do for a good pair of jeans lol.

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/story?id=7854000&page=1

Digital Girl Remix

Just saw Jamie Foxx perform Digital Girl on The Tonight Show with Drake as a guest.
I'm def not crazy about the song but I thought Drake's verse was cool. Plus, there's The Dream and Kanye, even though they weren't at the performance. As Lil Wayne says, "It's the remix, babbbyyyy" [uggghhhh I can't believe I did that but I mean shoot me it's late. lol.]

click the link, take a listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joq3U-RKq4c

nighty nite. =]

Lil Dez [Kobe vs. Lebraun]

WOW this is STILL funny to me. LMAO!!!

I love Lil Dez!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP6FVc4URSE

So I'm A Little Bit In Love

Basically the song of the week:

Drake feat. Lykke Li - A Little Bit

"I'm a little bit in love with it." lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-TKfmtyCyc

Whoever made this video should get a cookie or somethin...its cute lol

The Kanye West Kick Game

I have a lot to talk about...but i'll save it for another day...

Today I wanna talk about The Kanye West Kick Game...

Kanye West must've forgot we're in a recession...Mr. West is teaming up with Louis Vuitton to make an expensive ass shoe that only he and other celebrities, including his rumored stripper girlfriend could afford.

When I first heard this news, I was irritated that what I call "The Showboat That Is Kanye" is diving into the sneaker world...that's my world...lol. But I just recently saw a pic of the three types of shoes he's putting out: The Louis Vuitton Don's (low top's; after Ye himself of course), The Jasper's (high top's; after his brother) and The Mr. Hudson's (boat shoe; named after the GOOD music artist and 808 collaborator) and thought "Hmm...maybe I could get with that if the starting price wasn't $800!"

I have small feet...do u know how many pairs of Jordan's, Nike Air Max's, SB Dunks and whatever else I want I could buy?? A lot. But supposedly Kanye says the sneakers are for older people with money and style...smh.

But I can dig the Jasper's, maybe even the The Don's...look for urself:

http://bkrw.com/news/louis-vuitton-x-kanye-west-sneakers-new-pics.html

<----kanye and the hudson's

First He Told Me To Be With Him...

"...then he put my ass to Bed."

J. Holiday is back!

His new cd "Round 2" came out yesterday...and I almost missed it completely because of my boyfriend's constant talk of The Dream and "Love vs. Money" which I cant seem to get beside...

But J. Holiday has done it again, that's no doubt.

You should be frantically searching for his cd right now on the internet, iTunes if you're doing legal things with your life.

Round 2 hasn't been in my possession long but I'm slowly but surely falling in love with it.

Must Listen to Songs:

Make That Sound

Forever Isn't Long Enough

Sing 2 U

The Miseducation of Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyOhUXsGqak

i still love Lauryn Hill, as if i ever stopped.

"You love me despite myself/Sometimes I, I fight myself/I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure, someone so immature/Oh you inspire me to be the higher me."

i gotta find peace of mind and i guess i've been looking in all the wrong places.

i've been completely miseducated, i blame school.
all these years of schooling, and now paying out the ass for non sense.

teach me something i can use...tell me the secret of love, that there aren't any secrets.
i want to breathe and know that someone, somewhere inhaled as i exhaled, because i exhaled.

be my better half. strength is only evident because weakness ever existed.
i've had weakness. "tell him i love him, tell him i need him." i've told him several times. he has to bear with me. if he can't...? well, i'm not sure.

"i may have faith to make mountains fall/ but if i lack love/ then i am nothing at all."

miseducation is definite.

and in my life, spirituality as over taken religion:

but that's another story for another day, and i'm sure it's a completely different Lauryn Hill song, "adam lives in theory" floats to mind...