'Cause Love is Like Playing with Fire...

I'm his. He's mine. That's it.


Cute; right ?

That's how it should be. And if it's not -- re-evaluation is definitely in order. His fingers should fit neatly in between yours; perfectly. And when you squeeze his hand; he should squeeze back. A light squeeze tells you : I'm here. You're safe. And you always will be as long as I'm here. If you have to fight for their hand; maybe you should just let them be free...in their mind; a glove is probably safer than the protection of anything you and your hands could ever give them.

Ugh; I feel repetitive but uhh; let me tell you something about love. It will ALWAYS be bigger than you. It's out of your control. You can't help who you love. And similarly; you can't help who loves you.

I'm watching a fire burn from afar.
Uncontrollably.
It's already destroyed many-a-things
that has fallen into its path.
I don't want you to die in this fire.
Maybe let it singe parts of you
so you know not to dive into
wild fires that don't care if you get burned.
You'll have 3rd degrees that go deep
and the fire will continue to grow larger
as if it lives and breathes.
It won't change for you.
It won't die down for you.
It won't let you tame it;
rename it
and it damn sure won't let you claim it.
I want to save you.
But you're not mines to save.
So I watch from a distance
as you stand in the path of fire;
awaiting what you think is a beautiful rage.
I don't want this to ruin you
but lovin you obviously doesn't equal a rescue.

I know a lot more than I should. I wish I was still naive and unaware. That's foolish; right ? Oh well. I just randomly wrote that poem. That was the whole reason for the post I guess. *Shrugs* As my buddy said; I'm havin one of those days...

Because that’s what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise, you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the hell did I jump? But here I am, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly, is you.

 -Hitch.

Thoughts of an Insomniac.

I think he's beautiful...


Looking back at pictures and the things he used to say to me; I'm sure that once upon a time, he loved me as much as I thought he did, if not more...

Blah. Blah. Blah...


I still think about him alot...even know I'm not supposed to be and I shouldn't be. I think about how sweet 'I love you' sounded from his lips and how I felt like my reply "I love you more' was a lie; not because I didn't {because God knows I loved him with everything I had} but because I felt he loved me that much. In a way that was almost unbearable to be away from him for longer than a few hours...I felt invincible with him. Invincible and helpless at the same time...

I think that love...has a way of making someone apart of you; your better half and nonsense like that. And I'd hate to think that someone undeserving or just anyone in general has had that part of me...I've handled somethings really bad between us but I think for the most part; I handled this one thing pretty well...And I don't think anyone knows how bad this one situation has broke me. I'm pretty hurt by it...I didn't realize how hurt until about an hour ago. It's one of those things that will always bother me probably...

I don't think I'll ever forgive her.


I've run out of random thoughts to embarrass myself with...I'm actually pretty tired but sleep is hard to come by now-a-days...always, always thinking...about him, or how I miss the shit outta my best friend, why nothing is going the way I want it to go. I don't really believe in all the beautiful things I once did; like love and best friends; I mean I do...but nothing quite feels the same as it used to...and I'm a cry baby...whatever. I guess there's some strength somewhere in all of this.

I need someone to tell my secrets too...but I don't see me telling anyone everything anymore.

I think that his hugs are magic and could solve every problem.
I think that his forehead kisses would still send chills through my body.
And I can't even imagine how big the smile on my face would be if he hugged me from behind, slid his hand into mines and told me he loved me...

No one needs to read this...but if you have know that I think I'm a complete idiot and I wish I would've just went to sleep...=(

Something I Needed to Read.

I'm further in than ever before; smh...

In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness week, we wanted to share a beautiful story written by a former TWLOHA intern, Stephanie Koszalka. Please read it and enjoy remembering that your life and your story are powerful. No self-determined imperfection can change that.

---

Dear Body,

I’ve always let some imperfection or another stand in the way of me seeing what you truly are, that you are beautiful. You are a divine creation housing the most valuable thing known to the universe, my soul. I’m beginning to realize that a person’s soul has the capacity to radiate light that transcends all the characteristics that I have been conditioned to believe are flaws.

You naturally tell a story. Your blue-green veins are like a map to where your heart has been and where it is going. The curve of your waist and the shape of your cheekbones tell a tale of heritage and ethnicity. There are crayon markings on the wall somewhere that has measured your height throughout the years. Always returning to the same spot to see how you’ve changed.

Your eyes bare resemblance to nature. They are a deep forest green with golden yellow sunflower flecks. Your faded birthmark, once beet red, brought me shame because all I wanted was to conform. It now reminds me of how unique you are and all I want is to be different.

Your body begins as a story but continues with new chapters throughout your life. Some are chapters of sadness and pain, others of joy, and all of growth. Each chapter a blank canvas meant to be painted by our experiences. Photos are memories but so are our bodies in a way that’s more real, no posing and no fakeness.

I’m realizing these things now, but I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize them before. I’ve done everything I could to destroy the canvas and deface and burn the pages of different chapters.

I’ve waged war on you before; used razor blades to feel and drugs to numb. I’ve used caffeine to stay awake and alcohol to sleep. Abusing the side effects of my prescription drugs like loss of appetite, to deliberately starve myself into making you skinnier.  I’ve spent far too much time on a scale that merely weighs your effect on gravity, not the depth of your beauty. I wanted you to look like one of those girls in the magazines.

But in the ruins there is still a canvas. There is still beauty in your brokenness. The faded scars show healing reminding me that even though I’ve been in dark places, I’ve survived and learned and become stronger.

Although the war is over, the world still takes its toll. You have calluses on your hands from me writing too much and concentrating too hard. Yet the words are beautiful and the studying is worth it. You have the ache when it rains from broken bones, and stretch marks from growing too fast. You have burns from jobs and scars from falls. But those experiences were worth it.  

Dear body, as I grow older I worry about how you will age. Together we gain wisdom and wrinkles, after being young and beautiful and naïve. The wisdom tells us that the beauty doesn’t subside, it only changes, and more of it comes from within.  So I won’t worry when my hair doesn’t look just right, or when I do something stupidly funny and emerge with another scar because you are telling a story. And what would I be without my story and my past?

TWLOHA

#ShitHappens; What Can You Do?

Ughh; I'm an awkward ass fuckin clutz; lol smh.

Yesterday; I deleted 3 to 4 years of pictures out of my phone on accident. That's all the adventures of senior year; 1 or maybe 2 relationships {I think only 1}; freshman year shenanigans and a summer to remember. FML; somethin serious. So; I'm not gonna lie I cried...thought it was the end of the world and tried my damnedest to recover all those pics. And I almost had them; the memories flooded their way across my computer screen but eventually most ended up corrupted and I gave up. Yea; corrupted; just like all the things that make up my past relationships and friendships that didn't wanna keep going. They were corrupted; either by internal or external forces and eventually; they're gone and I give up. But you trust; I fought --for those pics and my relationships.

In the process of tryna get back some pictures that I rarely look at {I just find comfort in knowing they're there}; I deleted two weeks of texts and 3 phone numbers; one of which I wanna kick myself in the face for losing. I shoulda just let the pictures go cuz now I may have compromised something else....FML again.


The point I guess I'm tryna make at damn near 3'o'clock in the morning is: sometimes people hold onto the very thing God Himself is tryna rip away from you. I hope that everyone's life works out for the best...I wish it were a fairytale and no one ever felt the pain of being alone or depressed or let down but its not. This is real life and its going to hurt; you just have decide what you're willing to put up with. You can love someone to the end of the earth but you can't make them love you back. There is no correct explanation that will capture your lovers heart if they don't want you. But; uh I've been told life goes on...so; I'm gonna just cross my fingers and hope for a text message...I probably have soooo much more to say; but I'll save it for another post. Ughh; I need a person...someone to be good to; only if they're good to me though. #ShitHappens; What Can You Do? Uh; live I guess...

♥It's not that I don't; it's moreso that I can't...not anymore.

Letter to the Sixth of February

*a post that was written days in advance of the actual day; i waited so long to post. hesitant. and idk how i feel about puttin it out there but i know that when i wrote this letter, it felt beautiful; whether anyone sees it or not...and by anyone i mean, to whom it may concern...


To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this finds you in good spirits...or that it simply finds you.

Today is the 6th of February. And it's just another day. One that wedges itself between the 5th and the 7th. I wish it were important, that it marked some journey that we successfully made it through. Today should be the sum of great accomplishments.

But this day leaves a bittersweet feeling clouding my mind. Me secretly wishing that this day was filled with everything that I remember about how we started; a complete 180 degrees from where we stand now. And I don't wanna forget how your lips feel pressed against mines and other sweet parts of my body. The way it felt to reach out for a hand and feel yours slip so perfectly into mines. The safety and comfort that I could find with my face buried in your chest, inhaling your fragrance. I dreamt you this morning and Lord knows you felt so good; almost like you were really here. Like how I used to wake up to your face next to mines. But today, I stared into the empty space that used to Yo Side of the Bed and hugged your memory. It's not as good as being laid up in your arms; caressing your smooth skin, rubbin down your back and your stomach while the sky cries cold tears that piles into white mountains; envious of the warmth that the two of us had found in each other.

Warmth.


There's nothing like the way you smooth found your way into my warmest parts; the sacred place between my legs, and my heart. Feeling you got my heart racing, skin tingling, blood pumping, moans escaping, grabbing the sheets, the pillow, the mattress...scratchin you up. Lips like heaven, body the perfect piece to the puzzle that is me. Ughhh, I thought you were the shit.


So, we've shared amazing moments. And of course the not-so-amazing. Somedays, I'm still beyond angry with you. How stupid you've been, how stupid I've allowed you to make me. Fools falling in love. I've cried. I've wanted to hurt you as bad as you've hurt me; salty cause, I don't have it in me to cause you pain. Been forced to sit idle while people have bashed you; sorta feeling like they're right but praying that I knew you better than they did and you would show them just how wrong they've been. The days that hurt the most were when you were a stranger to me; when I knew nothing of you, or what you've been up to, or anything about you, or that someone knew you better than me. What the fuck? I've been all up, down and around that body; spent hours tryna get inside your head, carve a space out for myself in your heart; only to watch it all fall apart...or someone else get in easier than me.

But I remember you, love. Most definitely. Not just on February 6th but everyday that my hand doesn't find yours. Miss you, love you...Happy 6th of February.

--Iyana ♥

P.S. And if you ever find someone new, just know she better be good to you cause if she isn't...

What I've Been Thinking.

Random thoughts: Thank God for best friends. And I've written some really beautiful poems lately... #thatisall.


The hardest thing in the world is watching the one you love, loving someone else. I know it's bound to happen...I hate the thought of it. Scary, honestly. And I rarely ever tell anyone I'm scared of anything except my silly lil fears like thunder and of course, ladybugs; so, consider yourself lucky to have read that.

I don't have any control over anyone else's feelings. I barely have control over my own feelings and shit. I can cross my fingers and wish for people to feel how I want them to feel all I want but no. I can think to myself that no one's gonna love the way that I would, give them all that I would but I can wanna give someone the world all I want but I can't make them take it. It kills me inside. Even when I try to tell myself it doesn't. Even when I try to act like it doesn't. Everybody knows and I wish they didn't.

In similar news, one best friend is headed onto what seems to be a great new adventure, which is awesome. He's the type of guy who gives a girl his all, wish they were all like that but whatever, whatever. The other best friend finds herself questioning everything she's come to know. She's so much like me it's bothersome. And I'm tryna give her advice, knowing I suck at the exact situation she's in, well similarly, cuz honestly, I'm not in a situation, right? I just have the very unfortunate luck of loving a friend...one I'd do anything for, like swallow my emotions...

I wonder if cavemen ever fell in love...you know, so easy a caveman can do it...what if they never did it? That was dumb...it's just hard. Everything will work itself out in time, I suppose. Whatever will happen will. I'm not sure, I'm not even supposed to be thinking about it...but we're rapidly approaching February and I just wanna rub a stomach...weird, yea. It's a throwback kinda feeling...one that I'm feeling by myself.

Now, ain't that some shit, lol, smh.

Chasing Dreams with the Angels

I'm pretty sure I believe in angels...Yuuup, really beautiful ones with hidden wings and sweet heavenly faces and big hearts. I'm really lucky to be honest. I'm surrounded by some amazing people who make my life worth living and provide me with opportunities that I would've missed without them. Not to mention all the love and laughter I share with them. When love and friendship is real and honest, nothing can tear it apart. Not distance or time or insignificant dramas. I don't care if you're in North Carolina or you're in London with a ridiculous five hour time distance, I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna wish you were next to me sharing these moments of my life, but I also know that when we come back together, it's gonna be like we never left each others side. That's if it's all real. Cause I love my angels and I want all the happiness in the world for them. I'm willing to let you go, I'm more than happy to let you live cause if you need me, you know exactly where to find me. I'll be on the other end of your phone call or text msg or webcam over skype. If you want me, I'm right here.

Only time will tell who will always be an angel in my life. Time and circumstances.

But I've had a lot of time to think and just...breathe. And I almost know exactly what I want...almost. But I have time to figure it out. I'm ready to chase some FUCKING dreams lol. With the help of my wonderful friends and God. --Yea, me and Him got a special thing going on, just between me and Him. I'm spiritual...still tryna figure out if that's synonymous to religious. Oh well.

Here's some random short stories of what the angels do:

• Sit with me in the stairwell while I cry. Stand with me in the rain while we try to jump the car. Tell me their secrets. Tell me I can do anything when I swear I can't. Speed to make it to the carryout before midnight. Buy me Sims 3.
• Go on adventures/roadtrips to the mall. Show me their ass as they're walking down the hallway. Buy me lipgloss. Text me all day long. Help me drag a very drunk person inside while he screams about the things people have done to his balls. Take naps with me. Speak highly of me. Offer to kill my roommate for me. Tell me your escaping from Alcatraz... 
• Make funny videos. Tell me I deserve better. And that we're lucky to escape. Watch sweeny todd with me. Eat donuts. And sushi. And Chipotle. And Coldstones. Also take naps with me. Sing to me/with me. Throw apple sauce at people, the same apple sauce you offered to share with me and when I said yes please, you said no...
• Lay in bed with 3 of the coolest people in the world. (Well only TWO of them are the coolest to me, the other one is cool to her.) Stay up til 7am, mad that we didn't think to get McDonald's breakfast. Skype from 5000 miles away. Get lost while walking in snow storms. Slumber parties. Tons of journals, filled with secrets, dreams, stories, poems. Watch purple ink run down the drain.
• Send good morning and good night texts. Give me back rubs. Write me songs. Send me surprises. Wish you were in this state instead of that state. Sing Kid Cudi with me. Tell me my looks could kill you lol. One last time before you go. Greatest 5 minutes of my life seeing you. Drive me crazy.
• Stay up with me when I can't sleep. Make me brownies. Eat ihop with me.
• Tell me I inspire you and I'm wise and real. Call me lil mama.
• Spill juice on your shirt. Watch Top Model in my lil brother's room. My spiritual advisor. Ask to hang with me cause Zeno is in the room. Play DJ Hero and spades with me.
• Have tree waiting for me. Party with me. Shop with me. Let me keep you company while you're at work. Fistpump.
• Buy me panties. Cry in the movies with me. Fight about who's gonna drive. Take your ugg boats off and walk in 30 degree weather while you're on the phone with "Corey's Father" screaming you love him, LOUD, for everyone to hear...
• Listen to my stories. Fight for me. Ride the subway with me. Tell me the truth. Forgive me. Understand that I need to circle Forever 21 seven times before I actually try something on.
• (THROWBACK) -- Kiss my forehead-nose-lips; in that order. Watch shows with me that you hate at first and then grow to love. Hold my hand. Hug me. Be my biggest fan. Take care of me when I'm sick. Best team ever. Sled in the snow on a piece of cardboard with me. Make me laugh. Say you love me.

Those are all true stories. Each bullet about someone different, someone special. Angels. With beautiful, inspiring, meaningful lives. I love a good group of people. And it feels so right when they love me back. Nothing is perfect, or written in stone for sure what's going to happen, but for now, I've got a oddly great team. Life isn't the best but it could be a whole lot worst...

Don't be discouraged if you're alone; because if you're alone and alive, you've already proven that you don't need anyone.

--So I never actually am alone, I just always feel alone...